Alternative Employment

In preparation for tomorrow's NY State Bar Exam, i spent the better part of tonight wondering what I will do for money when I fail the exam. I came up with 5 jobs, all of which will be less painful and more enjoyable than having to study for and take the exam for the FOURTH time:

1) Professional Pencil Sharpener :: I spent 20 minutes tonight with a box of unsharpened pencils and my electric pencil sharpener. My skills are now so good, that if I stabbed you in the neck with one of these bad boys, you wouldn't last a New York Minute.

2) Official Reviewer of the Ellen Degeneres Show :: As I said in this blog last winter, one of the many advantages of being unemployed was that I got to watch Ellen everyday. And now, thanks to my time off from work (which was supposed to be used for studying), I became reacquainted with The World's Funniest Lesbian. I am now in a better position to critique her monologues, interviews and in-show games. The job probably wouldn't pay very much, if at all, but then again, my current job as a paralegal doesn't may shit either. My boss thinks buying me lunch every Monday is a fair trade-off for paying me a mere $520 per week. Talk about getting fucked.

3) Working at the McDonalds on 69th Street & 1st Avenue :: To me, this would be the worst job in the world. Not because of the bad pay and having to be on your feet all day, but because I simply could not tolerate my coworkers. My 4 years of college + 3 years of law school would be more than EVERY EMPLOYEE WHO EVER WORKED THERE...COLLECTIVELY. In the past 10 months, I have yet to hear an employee combine a subject and a verb to form a proper sentence. Nor have I seen a single employee get a single food order correct. It's the height of incompetence.

4) Grading Bar Exams :: The only thing worse than TAKING the exam would be READING THE SAME ESSAYS 1,000,000 TIMES. I would fail every single test taker. After reading the first sentence. "The issue here is wheth--WRONG, BITCH!" NO SOUP FOR YOU!

5) Test Boy for the Ass Fuckers of America :: Getting ass-fucked is the closest anyone can come (no pun intended) to taking the bar exam. Maybe that's why there are so many successful gay lawyers. Either way, I've taken this fucking exam so many fucking times that I would be great at standing there, bent over, with a dick inserted in my ass.