Just when I thought I was cultured...
...I had to google "jewish shiva" so as to not embarass myself today when visiting an old friend who lost his dad to a sudden stroke. I'm one of those Catholic who has a bunch of jewish friends but am not terribly close with any of them. I've been to my share of bar/bat mitzvahs, I know that "tchotchkes" is Yiddish for knick-knack, and I know that the only acceptable alternative to an Italian bakery is a Jewish one. But sitting shiva is something I have never done. So thanks, Google.

...oh, and just when I though I knew what to wear to shiva...
I called my Italian mother to confirm that jeans were acceptable attire for a shiva.

ME: "hey...i can wear jeans today, right?"
MOM: "what?! would you go to a wake in jeans?"
ME: "no, but this is a house call-type thing"
MOM: "you must be kidding me"...click

Penguin Baseball
This is absolutely addicting: http://pya.cc/pyaimg/pimg.php?imgid=2437

My high score is 1203. Boo-yeah!

Pass the Cristal

While gazing the wine list at a hip fusion restaurant last night, I said to my better half "how about a bottle of Cristal?" She immediately laughed out loud. And why was this? Because Hip-Hop nation has turned an expensive white man's beverage into the Official Beverage of the Ghetto. "we can't order that....we're not ghetto!" Duh. What was I thinking? No self-respecting caucasian can order a bottle of the stuff anymore. If a white man walks into the best restaurant in town, spends $10,000 on food, he still can't order a bottle of Cristal. Thanks a lot Puffy.

Fat Bastard
I'm not a skinny man. I can eat a lot of food. But today I ordered the Country Breakfast at IHOP. The omelet is 83 pounds of eggs, cheese, onions and hash browns. I couldn't finish it. But I did finish the 4 pancakes that came with the omelet. And they were damn good!

Did I mention that I'm not a skinny man?

Get Out Da Waaaaaay...

So the woman and I took our new puppy, Chicago, to the vet yesterday for a check-up. We adopted her from a shelter, so we're unsure what breed she is. they told us shar-pei, but we think she's mostly a lab mix. however, Ms. Veterinarian told us that she's got some Pit Bull in her. So to the little, pussy-ass dog on the first floor that makes a lot of noise and weighs 7 pounds soaking wet...

GET OUT DA WAY, MUTHAFUCKA!

Morning TV

I always hated morning TV. I never really watched that horrid Today Show or Good Morning America or Good Day NY. Occasionally I would watch Regis and Kathy, but that's it. But since I've been unemployed for the past month, I am officially addicted to "Ellen" and Tech TV's "Call For Help."

I don't want to go back to work.

Dr. Feelgood

My buddy went for his annual checkup the other day. The following conversation took place between him and his doctor:

Doc: "ok, drop your drawers for me"
(Doc feels around Friend's genitals)
Doc: "oh, i see you do some trimming"
Friend: "yeah, you like?"
Doc: "yes, nice job"
Friend: "thanks. it's the new thing to do, Doc. all the ladies love it"
Doc: "i'll have to try that. the wife might appreciate it"

Now if that doesn't violate some doctor-patient privilege, i don't know what does.